iKKi's Interest...

WARNING - PURE MATH JOKE
Impure Mathematics
Richard A. Gibbs
The Best Of The Journal of Irreproducible Results, 1983

Once upon a time (1/t), pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors, when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent, and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, had changed her variables that morning, and, feeling particularly badly behaved, she ignored this condition on the grounds that it was insufficient, and made her way in amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns enveloped her on all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, three branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point, she tripped over a square root which was protruding from the erf, and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once more, she found herself, apparently alone, in a non-euclidean space.

She was being watched however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent, he wondered. He decided to integrate improperly at once.

Hearing a vulgar function behind her, Polly turned round, and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once, by his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms, that he was bent on no good.

"Eureka" she gasped.

"Ho, ho!" he said. "What a symmetric little polynomial you are. I can see that you are absolutely bubbling over with secs".

"Sir", she said, "keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on.

"Calm yourself my dear" said our suave operator, "your fears are purely imaginary".

"i, i" she thought. "Perhaps he's homogeneous then?".

"What order are you?" the brute demanded.

"Seventeen", replied Polly.

Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on yet?" he said.

"Of course not" Polly cried indignantly. "I'm absolutely convergent".

"Come, cone," said Curly. "Lets off to a decimal place I know, and I'll take you to the limit".

"Never" gasped Polly.

His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places and began to smooth her points of inflexion. Poor Polly. All was lost. She felt his hand bonding to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would be gone for ever.

There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. The complex beast even went all the way round, and did a contour integration. What an indignity! Curly went on operating until he was completely and absolutely orthogonal.

When Polly got hone that evening, her mother noticed that she had been truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now --- the seeds having been sown. As the months went by, Polly increased monotonically. Finally, she generated a small, but pathological, function, which left surds all over the place, until she was driven to distraction.

The moral of this sad story is this: It you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom.

Posted by vey99

Technorati Tags: Pure Math Joke , Math Joke

First Prize

A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet.

Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks.

Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?"

The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. "Right!" exclaimed the boy.

His dog won first prize.

No leak

That's not a leak, my car's just marking its territory!

Friendly Bears

On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, “Are there any friendly bears listening?”

After a moment, another voice replied, “Yes, I'm a friendly bear,” and then another voice, “I'm a friendly bear too!”

At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link.

When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds. Then a small voice said, “You're not a very friendly bear, are you?”

More Good Advice From Kids

"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time." - Kyoyo, age 11

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." -Amir, age 9

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." -Kellie, age 11

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." -Naomi, age 15

"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." -Lauren, age 9

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." -Joel, age 10

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone." -Alyesha, age 13

"Never try to baptize a cat." -Eileen, age 8

12-mile march

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek. An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

“Men,” our sergeant yelled, “You're doing a FINE job. We've already covered four miles!”

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

“And,” continued Sarge, “we should reach the starting point any minute now.”

Tight Shoes

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well, they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.

"Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk.

"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.

Dad, can you write in the dark?

Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"

His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"

Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."

What is 2 * 2 ?

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".

Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"

Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."

The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it".

Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system".

Medical Student : "4"

All others looking astonished : "How did you know?"

Medical Student : "I memorized it."

Technorati Tags: Your Double Dose of Jokes , Jokes

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.

2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".

4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.

14. Women think all beer is the same.

15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.

17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

18. Women brush their hair before bed.

19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.

20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.

21. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

22. Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil- stick, oil doesn't stick?"

23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.

24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.

30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.

32. The first naked man a women see is "Ken".

33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.

34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

35. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.

37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"

40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".

41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

42. Origin of the word "woman" is: woo-man.

43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)

44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.

48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together.

49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here.

Posted by fookie

Technorati Tags: 50 Interesting Facts About WOMAN , 50 Interesting Facts , Interesting Facts About WOMAN , Interesting Facts

In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan , lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of

Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Posted by Mavik

Technorati Tags: Do elephants forget? , Do elephants forget , Humor

White cheese or yellow

My brother Sean stopped by a sandwich shop one afternoon and placed his order with the girl at the counter. She rattled off a list of condiments, but he stopped her when she asked if he wanted white cheese or yellow.

"What's the difference?" Sean asked.

"Hello?" replied the girl, sighing and rolling her eyes. "The COLOR is different!"

Good Advice From Kids

"Never trust a dog to watch your food." -Patrick, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't answer." -Hannah, age 9

Never tell your Mom her diet's not working." -Michael, age 14

"Stay away from prunes." -Randy, age 9

"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." -Emily, age 10

"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." -Taylia, age 11

"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." -Traci, age 14

"A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac." - Andrew, age 9

Tech Support

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille."

He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name," was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.

"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

Another technical problem solved.

Can I Help?

One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help.

His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking."

The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."

Cuff Links

The computer company, where my wife works, distributed a corporate-clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (Control) and the other Esc (Escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.

"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."

Kiddie Quickies

My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He replied, "When I'm tired of being 5."

********************

Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3, exclaimed, "Mommy, it's raining dumplings!"

********************

Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he has a mustache?"

You looked a lot like my wife

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Marriage Math

I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

Technorati Tags: Jokes , Humor , Double Laughter

Create a story with numerical numbers (Posted by WaCKy-Angel)

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what
he came up with.....

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic
and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me.. I ran until I fell 6 and
threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took
a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my
boss and told him I was 6. He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work.
He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice
2 him but I don't know what he 1.

Wedding Vows

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

Puppy Love

My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."

The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.

He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."

CLEVER MUM

Mrs. Ferrara went to visit her son Anthony for
dinner...who lives with a female roommate Vikki.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help
but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between
the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
interact, she started to wonder if there was more
between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I
know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you,
Vikki and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever
since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to
find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took
it, do you?"

"Well, I can't imagine that she would do such a thing,
but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

-----------------
Dear Momma,

I'm not saying that you did take the sugar bowl from my
house, and I'm not saying that you did not take it.

But the fact remains that it has been missing ever
since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

----------------------

Several days later, Anthony received a response email
from his Momma which read:

----------------------

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you do sleep with Vikki, and I'm
not saying that you do not sleep with her. But the
fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Momma

----------------------

Lesson - Don't lie to your Mother!

Technorati Tags: Jokes , Funny , Humor , Blast Your Day With A Good Jokes , Good Jokes , Clean Jokes

Some Vague Thoughts

Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California - WAS HIS

Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills - Making the last car payment.

The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week.

If you can't keep a secret, you don't need to know it.

Quote from the boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

Rare birds

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

Judge: "Proceed."

Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"

Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."


Egg Jokes

Question: Why did the chicken lay her eggs on a axe?
Answer: She wanted to hachet

Question: What do you call a egg who’s done lots of things?
Answer: An egg who has a lot of eggsperience.

Question: Where do you find information about eggs?
Answer: In the hen-cyclopedia

Question: Why is the chef so mean?
Answer: She beats the eggs!

Question: Did you hear the one about the egg?
Answer: It's not all it's "cracked" up to be!

Question: How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
Answer: By dropping it seven feet - it won't break for the first six.

$100 bill

I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to $16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited for change. "Here you go," said the cashier, smiling as he returned the proper amount. "Have a great day!"

Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill.

"I'm sorry, Ma'am. We can't accept anything larger than a fifty," he told me, pointing to a sign stating store policy.

"But you just accepted that last girl's hundred," I reasoned.

"I had to," he said. "It had her phone number on it."

Daddy, were you in a war?

While my six-year-old daughter of the space age and I were reviewing some old photographs, we came across a picture of me when I was a captain in the Army Reserves.

“Daddy, were you in a war?”

“Yes,” I fibbed, just to see what her reaction would be.

Wide-eyed, she gasped, “Against what planet?”

Technorati Tags: Jokes

Honest Lawyer?

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Bobby. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Danny," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Bobby.

Danny replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Bobby.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Danny.

New Old Sayings

- Anywhere you hang your @ is home.

- The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail.

- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

- Great groups from little icons grow.

- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

- C:\ is the root of all directories.

- Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

- Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

- The modem is the message.

- Too many clicks spoil the browse.

- The geek shall inherit the earth.

- A chat has nine lives.

Last Wishes

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Cat Tails

Where does a cat go when it loses its tail?

The retail store.

A Dog Cleaning

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job.”

“Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”

“No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don't! If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!”

Women Drivers

I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.

It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!

Technorati Tags: Jokes

Work

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes...

Top Ten Reasons to Ask Your Boss For A Raise

10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.

9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.

8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.

7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.

6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.

5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.

4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."

3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.

2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.

1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.

Request for Pay raise

Dear Bo$$,

A$ all of u$ have read from the new$paper, the
$ingapore economy ha$ come out of the rece$$ion.
In thi$ life, we all need $omething mo$t
de$perately. I think you $hould $how
under$tanding for the need$ of u$ worker$ who
have given $o much $upport including $weat and
$ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond
$oon.

Your$ $incerely,

Norman $oh.

Boss reply

Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays,
NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed
that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as
yet.
NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading
ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may
go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember
presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I
mean.

Yours truly,

Manager

Technorati Tags: Bad Breath

5th Grade!!!

First-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in third-grade too!" The
teacher had enough. She took Harry to the Principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal : "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry : "9"
Principal : "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry : "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets".

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide
and before he could stop the answer....)
Harry: "Coconut"
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting
down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and
before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Shake hands".
Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to
get me up.
I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're
bored. The best man always has me first." (Principal was looking restless and a bit tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip.
When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come
with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that
means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put this ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

The Perfect Couple

Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together
was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect
couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they
noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect
couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge
bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of
Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their
vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the
accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it.)














Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really
existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and
there is no such thing as a perfect man.


**** Women stop reading here, this is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.
















So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have
been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.


Men Keep scrolling



























By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this
illustrates another point: Women never listen.

Army Pianos

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

If I had known

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police
cruiser pulled her over and walked up to the car. The police officer also
happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally
said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on
it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small
rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and
said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde
policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and
said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer
too, we could have avoided all this hassle."

Technorati Tags: Jokes

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast

In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom.
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

College Majors

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained.

"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

Hut-2-3-4....

As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?"

"What?" asked the recruit innocently.

"I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant.
The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"

Physical Problems

A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better.

The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked.

"No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!"

May-December Marriage

It was a May-December marriage, and as the old man climbed in to bed for the first time with his new bride, he asked, "Did your mother tell you what to do on your wedding night?"
"Yes," she cooed, kissing him lightly, "She told me everything."

"Good," said the elderly gentleman as he turned out the light, "because I've forgotten."

Do You Pray Before Eating?

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," Little Johnny replies, "I don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"

Technorati Tags: Jokes

First Joke:

Lee Sum Wan: Hello can I speak to Annie Wan

Mr Sori: Yes u could speak to me.

Lee Sum Wan: No, i want to speak to Annie Wan!

Mr Sori: You are talking to someone! Who is this

Lee Sum Wan: I'm Sum Wan. And i need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent.

Mr Sori: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But whats this urgent matter about?

Lee Sum Wan: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.

Mr Sori: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isnt an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I dont have time for this!!!

Lee Sum Wan: You are rude. Who are you?

Mr Sori: I'm Sori.

Lee Sum Wan: You should be sorry. Now give me your name!

Mr Sori: I'm Sori !!

Lee Sum Wan: I dont like your tone of voice Mr and i dont care, give me your name!

Mr Sori: Look lady, I told you already I'm Sori! I'm Sori !! I'm SORI! You didnt even give me your name!

Lee Sum Wan: I told u before i'm Sum Wan ! Sum Wan !!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy.

Mr Sori: Oh im so scared(sarcastically).Look i dont care about ur uncle he's a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog and holding an important position in the company.

Lee Sum Wan: No Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesn't work there.
Mr Sori: Like i said i dont care which one of ur aunt screws everybody and i also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!!

Lee Sum Wan: Which Wan(don't have any idea on how to alternatively spell the name)is my sis!

Mr. Sori: I dont know which one is ur sis! Why in gods name u think i do!? Look i got work to do and if im feeling mischievious i'll broadcast it on the P.A system saying. "Attention, someone called and said that anyones brother just got involved in an accident. But not to worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody but if u're their uncle, u're a nobody. And its not true about her aunt screwing everybody because i havent screw her yet."how bout that!?

Toot....Toot....Toot.................

Second Joke:

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board,butunfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says, "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and jumps.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President." She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, " I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die." So he takes a parachute and jumps.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute". The boy replies "No problem your popeness, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag!!!!"

Good Eyes

This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up.

"My skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Technorati Tags: Jokes

Start your day with a SMILE and make your love ones smile too. Tell them the jokes below and see the smile grow.

Cheap Jokes:

Teacher: While waiting for the bus, let's play game called "I Spy", starts with you Ranjeet.

Ranjeet: I spy a thing that starts with N
Others : (nail, neck, nest, nose, ...)
Ali : knittingRanjeet: u bloody fool, knitting starts with "K", you are such a fool.
Teacher: Good Ranjeet! Then what is it?
Ranjeet: It's engine!

Song Title:

When a student listen to too much music!Mr. Eric was walking around the form 3 block when he saw one of the form 3 class, 3'T', making noise. He entered the classroom and this is what happened....

Mr. Eric: Who was playing and talking please stand up or the whole class gets it.
Anand : "Will The Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up"(Eminem)
Mr. Eric: You! I want you to come to my office now!Office!

Time: 0900 hrs

Mr.Eric: What Is Your name?
Anand : "Say My Name Say My Name"(Destiny's Child)
Mr.Eric: Don't play a fool
Anand : "Can't Believe I'm The Fool Again"(Westlife)
Mr.Eric: Do you want me to beat you ?
Anand : "Hit Me Baby One More Time"(Britney Spears)
Mr Eric: What did u say?
Anand : "WHAT!"(Stone Cold)
Mr.Eric: Are you out of your head?
Anand : "I Can't Get U Outta My Head"(Kylie Minogue)
Mr.Eric: Who do you think you are ?
Anand : "I'm A Genie In Bottle"(Christina Aguilera)
Mr.Eric: How many demerits do you want?
Anand : "1,2,345,Everybody In The Car..."(Lou Bega)
Mr.Eric: Do you always play in class?
Anand : "Sometimes I Run, Sometimes I..."(Britney Spears)
Mr Eric: Do u think this is a party ?
Anand : "I'm Coming Up So U Better Get The Party Started"(Pink)
Mr.Eric: I want you to come for detention class tomorrow morning
Anand : "Every Morning They're A Hello..."(Sugar Ray)
Mr.Eric: I've just changed my mind. I want you to come everyday
Anand : "Everyday I Love You"(Boyzone)
Mr.Eric: I want you to come alone
Anand : "Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely"(Backstreet Boys)
Mr.Eric: It gonna be the two of us
Anand : "Just The Two Of Us"(Will Smith)
Mr.Eric: Are you going to shut up or do you want me to stop talking
Anand : "You Say It Best, When You Say Nothing At All"(Ronan Keating)
Mr.Eric: I want you to promise me that you won't get into anymore trouble.
Anand : "This I Promise You"(N*sync)
Mr.Eric: Make Sure you don't get into trouble again
Anand : "Oops I Did It Again"(Britney Spears)
Mr.Eric: You can go now
Anand : "There She Goes"(Sixpence None The Richer)
Mr.Eric: I said go!
Anand : "Bye Bye Bye"(N*sync)

E-MAIL:

Dear IT Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as EPL 5.0, NBA 3.0 and ESPN 2.0. And now. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate
Reply:

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1. Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,
IT Support

Technorati Tags: Jokes

Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her, "And where do you think you're going?"

(You're gonna love this.....)

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark."


Lessons in Logic

I was born intelligent
-Education ruined me
.…………………………………………………….

Practice makes perfect…..
But nobody's perfect……
So why practice?
……………………………………………………….

If it's true that we are here to help others,
Then what exactly are the others here for?
…………………………………………………..

Since light travels faster than sound,
People appear bright until you hear them speak
.……………………………………………………

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
……………………………………………………….

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa
.………………………………………………….

If your father is a poor man,
It is your fate but,
If your father-in-law is a poor man,
It's your stupidity.
………………………………………………..

Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two woman.
……………………………………………………

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in Life.
……………………………………………….

The wise never marry.
And when they marry they become otherwise.
………………………………………………..

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
………………………………………………..

Never put off the work till tomorrow
What you can put off today.
……………………………………………………….

"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
…………………………………………………….

There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
…………………………………………………..

"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
………………………………………………

"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
…………………………………………………….

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
………………………………………………….

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So..
Why learn.
………………………………………………..

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station….
What more can I say……..

Technorati Tags: Jokes

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

Mental Institution

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a roomand sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.The nurse asks him, "Raju, what are you doing?"

Raju replied, "Driving to Durban!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Raju's room justas he stops driving his imaginary car and asks,"Well Raju,how are you doing?"

Raju says, "I just arrived in Durban"

"Great," replied the nurse.

The nurse leaves Raju's room and goes acrossthe hall into Balwanth's room, and finds Balwanthsitting on his bed furiously masturbating.

Shocked, she asks, "Balwanth, what are you doing?!"

Balwanth says, "I'm screwing Raju's wife while he'sin Durban! Can't you tell?"

Class photo

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think hownice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

Technorati Tags: Jokes

Diary of a modern woman on week 1 of marriage

Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in.The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try and be supportive.

Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never notice back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and its little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong, he started crying and shouting out "Why me? Why me?".

It has to be his job ...

=====
Kris

First Joke:

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind -ese are you?"

The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you> mean."

The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What> kind of -ese are you...Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!?"

The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."

A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked "What kind> of -kee" was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee am I?!" The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"

Second Joke:

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day. Carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

Third Joke:

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doin Just Fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up too?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

"Can I come over to your place after while?"

Ok, this question is just wacky but i figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.

I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"LISTEN"

"I'll have to call you back,there's an idiot in the other stall who keepsanswering all my questions."

Technorati Tags: Jokes

First Joke:

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order. "

The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you,your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Sit down, sir, we serve anyone.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes Sir, they are not very good swimmers.
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Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.

Second Joke:

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother whois only 9 years old.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.

As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend towhisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.

Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!

She screams.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Whoa!!!PULL IT OUT!!!PULL IT OUT NOW!!!I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!

Third Joke:

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't . I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh** again".

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Relationship Jokes

Men vs Women

1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, theywill call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionatelyrefer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throwin $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anythingsmaller and none will actually admit they want change back.When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The averagenumber of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A manwould not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS
Women love cats.Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kickcats.
7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife canspend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. Aman marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty thegarbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A manwill dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knowsabout dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of someshort people living in the house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in twopeople remembering the same thing.
AND FINALLY.....
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying aword. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither ofthem wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard ofmules and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?""Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Half Sisters

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives only a street away and her name is Susan Hoffman." After dinner, George's dad took him aside and said, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, and she's a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I fooled around with other women a lot. Susan Hoffman is actually your half sister, so I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.

After eight months, he started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news: "Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hah," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father!"

Divorce News

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

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First Joke:

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.

Instead of payment he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later he received a letter from the police thatcontained another picture, this time handcuffs.

He immediately mailed in his $40.

Second Joke:

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral.The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read :

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 16 May 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones. I've just reached and have been check-in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!

Differences In Friendship

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

I hope you like the jokes. :) Enjoy~

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