Jokes For Monday
Some Vague Thoughts
Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California - WAS HIS
Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills - Making the last car payment.
The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week.
If you can't keep a secret, you don't need to know it.
Quote from the boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
Rare birds
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:
Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
Judge: "Proceed."
Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."
15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
Egg Jokes
Question: Why did the chicken lay her eggs on a axe?
Answer: She wanted to hachet
Question: What do you call a egg who’s done lots of things?
Answer: An egg who has a lot of eggsperience.
Question: Where do you find information about eggs?
Answer: In the hen-cyclopedia
Question: Why is the chef so mean?
Answer: She beats the eggs!
Question: Did you hear the one about the egg?
Answer: It's not all it's "cracked" up to be!
Question: How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
Answer: By dropping it seven feet - it won't break for the first six.
$100 bill
I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to $16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited for change. "Here you go," said the cashier, smiling as he returned the proper amount. "Have a great day!"
Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill.
"I'm sorry, Ma'am. We can't accept anything larger than a fifty," he told me, pointing to a sign stating store policy.
"But you just accepted that last girl's hundred," I reasoned.
"I had to," he said. "It had her phone number on it."
Daddy, were you in a war?
While my six-year-old daughter of the space age and I were reviewing some old photographs, we came across a picture of me when I was a captain in the Army Reserves.
“Daddy, were you in a war?”
“Yes,” I fibbed, just to see what her reaction would be.
Wide-eyed, she gasped, “Against what planet?”
Technorati Tags: Jokes
Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California - WAS HIS
Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills - Making the last car payment.
The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week.
If you can't keep a secret, you don't need to know it.
Quote from the boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
Rare birds
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:
Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
Judge: "Proceed."
Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."
15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
Egg Jokes
Question: Why did the chicken lay her eggs on a axe?
Answer: She wanted to hachet
Question: What do you call a egg who’s done lots of things?
Answer: An egg who has a lot of eggsperience.
Question: Where do you find information about eggs?
Answer: In the hen-cyclopedia
Question: Why is the chef so mean?
Answer: She beats the eggs!
Question: Did you hear the one about the egg?
Answer: It's not all it's "cracked" up to be!
Question: How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
Answer: By dropping it seven feet - it won't break for the first six.
$100 bill
I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to $16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited for change. "Here you go," said the cashier, smiling as he returned the proper amount. "Have a great day!"
Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill.
"I'm sorry, Ma'am. We can't accept anything larger than a fifty," he told me, pointing to a sign stating store policy.
"But you just accepted that last girl's hundred," I reasoned.
"I had to," he said. "It had her phone number on it."
Daddy, were you in a war?
While my six-year-old daughter of the space age and I were reviewing some old photographs, we came across a picture of me when I was a captain in the Army Reserves.
“Daddy, were you in a war?”
“Yes,” I fibbed, just to see what her reaction would be.
Wide-eyed, she gasped, “Against what planet?”
Technorati Tags: Jokes
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